Sunday 4 August 2013

The Easily distracted X-Men

First a little background...I have three kids, all boys.  Now, on the surface, that would seem OK, indeed it IS a little easier than three girls (what's the saying? If you have a boy, you only need to worry about one penis but if you have a girl then you need to worry about ALL the penises). Three is not a big number when it refers to say, fingers or brain cells or parking fines but it is a fairly large number when referring to offspring or murder convictions or...parking fines.

   This is exacerbated somewhat by the fact that my youngest has Autism.  His is a fairly mild version of the condition as , for example, he has no real auditory or sensory problems but it still presents some 'interesting' problems.  Not least of these is the constant request to explain what exactly Autism actually is.  There are a few questions that always crop up once people find out (usually by me telling them) that my son is affected and they are almost ALL annoying.  Let me run through a few with you.


  1. What IS Autism?  How the hell do you answer that particular Doozy?!  I mean, you may as well ask me something like, why do people still watch 'Eastenders'? (To me 'Eastenders' is a lot like Christmas, it's not as good as you remember and is getting worse every year) All I know is that it is a 'Spectrum Disorder' which affects different people in different ways and not every person will get all aspects of it but there are a few key points that pretty much all Autistic people share.
  2. Do you think it was caused by MMR?  My word, you simply cannot grasp how much a question like that will make me want to punch you and anyone else who served to promote the scare over MMR (Fiona Phillips, I'm looking at you)!!  This question doesn't come up as much as it did as hopefully people are gradually realising their folly (Horrendous Measles outbreaks nearby will tend to do that) Just to be clear, NO! I do not think that MMR is in any way related to it.
  3. Does he have any special skills? Please see below...
No, my Autistic son is not a strange-hybrid-superhero-type-creature, he has no ersatz superpowers.  I am not entirely sure how such a strange idea got traction but I'm pretty sure it had something to do with the film 'Rain Man' and people casually bandying about the term 'Savant' which like 'Flu' or 'unique' are so often NOT the words to use.

   The truth is most people with Autism have auditory/sensory problems which are much akin to the ever so slightly-elevated levels of hearing enjoyed by a blind person...but such a general misunderstanding of the condition has led me to imagine a band of all-Autistic superheroes...

INT. The Non-Stimulating Hall Of Justice, Daytime

Cyclops (the vision impaired hero who wears a visor so that no-one gets concerned that he cannot maintain eye-contact) 
 :'We need to stop Magneto's latest plans to convert the general populace into Mutants, Storm! stop looking out of the window and help.'

Storm (the 'weather witch' that doesn't like going outside)
 :'Sorry, I thought I'd seen a bee'

Cyclops :'Ok but we need to...Who's drinking coffee?'

Rogue (young heroine that can take on another mutant's power but is often frightened by sudden changes in noise levels)
 :'I had one at lunch...There's definitely a bee somewhere nearby'

This goes on for about four hours until they have forgotten what they were talking about, although they did indeed find the bee...

 This simply wouldn't work and Magneto with his band of 'normal' mutants would win every time, even the actual X-Men are more effective than this lot would be (and they're pretty pathetic when you get down to it).  Incidentally they would have won but their version of Wolverine was too self-conscious about his Adamantium claws to reveal them in public. 

  It is simple then...on the whole, parents of Autistic kids welcome questions on the subject but the answers are not always very satisfying.  In the main this is because the parents themselves are still getting to grips with the condition and all the implications that go with it.  Sometimes they just don't know and sometimes your questions are the least of that parent's concerns.

In short, cut us some slack!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a completely unrelated note, congratulations to Peter Capaldi on getting the nod to become perhaps the sweariest Doctor Who on record (see attached video)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also on TV, the latest series of  'Top Gear' finished tonight with a great episode that shows that perhaps it's not reached the end of its useful life.  We had a relevant report on an interesting car (Jaguar F-Type), even if it is one that very few can afford, an entertaining interview with Mark Webber who is always good in this kind of realm and we ended with a genuinely excellent piece on Britain's contribution to modern-day car manufacturing.  One that made me proud to be British and provided the kind of boost no amount of Nigel Farrage hyperbole could ever match!!  Stick that up your arse UKIP!!

Neil Hannon rocks!!

No comments:

Post a Comment